Holy Shit

    I am miserable little person, lol. It appears the only time I can write something decent is when I am stuck in an abysmal pit of despair. I stumbled upon my little blog and I felt like I should post something new, I mean it has been a long time. Unfortunately for all of you, I am nowhere near my depression threshold for writing something interesting or at least something with finesse. No I am in quite a good mood. I still have a mediocre job, but I love it. I am going to a mediocre school, for something I love. And there's like this boy, I like him. Oh, and now that I have moved, I have access to all of my wonderful kitchen appliances! Oh god how I love my crock pot. That thing does miraculous things. And my newly purchased, and somehow melted, pressure cooker! Now that thing is seriously some black magic ass shit. I can slow cook, I can pressure cook, I mean I can even can shit with this thing! Which I plan on practicing today. I am making a fat pot of chili in my over-sized slow cooker and then I'm gonna can some! Or I'm going to try, that can be another post lol. Anyway, all in all I'm glad I moved to Eugene. Things are awesome, I'm awesome, my dog is awesome. I'm not sure if things can get any better. Happy New Year Bitches!

This Quadratic Function We Call Life

I'm burnt out on life. Why do people work so hard for something with a meaningless endpoint? Here I am with my less than mediocre life, my less than mediocre job and I'm going to go to a less than mediocre school so I can get a mediocre job. And don't get me started on people. They are selfish and cruel, I have yet to experience a relationship that didn't end in tragedy and betrayal.You are all so vicious, we are. Clawing desperately to gain more capital, respect, friends, whatever it is I can't see how it is worth it. Life is like a story with a decent climax but a shitty ending. So here I am, trying hopelessly to find something worth working my ass off for and I am left, yet again, empty handed. I don't want to fight and be deceitful and manipulative but I find myself falling into those human habits we all possess. I find myself lying, before just to avoid another fight, now I just do it because it's easier. I'd rather not be honest anymore. Honesty is vulnerability, and I don't want to make myself vulnerable to this vicious race we call humans. And I'm a pretty good person, I make complete stops at stop signs, I volunteer quite often and have been known, on occasion to attend a sermon or two. I have morals, and I used to believe in them more than anything. Now, they are slowly deteriorating. Being picked at my the dredges that is humanity. I used to care so much about people, it didn't matter if I knew you or not, I wanted to make your life better. Well, as it turns out people love when you put all your resources into them, they thrive on it and they take advantage of it. Until there is nothing left to take advantage of. They'll take everything from you, the whole time flashing a deceiving smile. Then when you have nothing left, they take your dignity and move on to their next poor victim. And then after you've moved on and on and all the thievery is complete and you are truly left with nothing, your dignity and moral foundation have been tattered and you have no one, you die. Your mediocre life ceases to be and then it is slowly forgotten. First by your acquaintances and co-workers then by your friends, then by the people who used you, finally your family. Everyone has to move on, your life is meaningless. My life is meaningless. And here we are fighting with no cause. Going around stealing, breaking, vandalizing because we are selfish beings with an existence that revolves completely around us. Fuck it.

The Decay of What's Good

   So here it is again, regret, maybe. I'm not sure. I find myself pitting a war against myself. Doing or saying things to hurt people, without realizing what I'm doing. But taking an aggressive offense to such menial things. Facebook statuses, mannerisms, not answering your phone. Silly things, no, just stupid things. Things that normally don't effect me, but for some sick reason torment me now. I know the difference between now and before. Usually it tends to be trust, but it can be numerous things, easily lost with mindless mistakes. I try not to care, to pretend like it doesn't bother me because not so deep down I know that it shouldn't cause me grief in the least. It just slowly gnaws at me. I fight to keep hold of the little bits of normality I can maintain but it's like a disease. You know the kind, it starts with a runny nose and somehow mutates into a deadly zombie creating virus. Or at least I like to think of it like that.
    So I wonder why can't anything just be simple. I see the logic but I don't care, I try to listen but I feel my emotions so intensely it's difficult to fight them. I feel like five different people who all want different things. What am I doing? I don't know. I know it's foolish, I do. Which part of me is right? I love. I love so much. My heart swells, it makes my chest ache. Physically the pain of letting go is unbearable but the pain of holding on is worse. I've conquered so much in my life and had so many brutal battles, so why is it every time I get stuck in this same rut? I can never overcome it myself. And, always, once I beat it I set myself up for the same misery again and again.
    I truly try to hate everyone. Just people in general. They are so disappointing. No matter how hard you try to oblige them they will use you. We are selfish, horrible creatures. I see it time and time again but I can't seem to stop loving all of you. You horrible, manipulative monsters. I will give you all my love and all the effort I can manage, knowing you will just toss me aside once you lose purpose for me. Does that just make me weak? Pathetic, even? I feel like it may at times, but I refuse to give in, even when I want to, when I try to.
   I loved so much when I was young. Everything. I had horrible things happen to me that took the light in my eyes away. I'm angry and I see all the awful things the world has to offer. For the longest time I thought these horrible things had taken that love from me. I was, I am, so full of rage knowing what disgusting things people can do but I realize nobody could take that love out of me. I can't even dim it, as much as I may want to. I'm a good person, broken but good. Good and honest and loving. It's because of this I know I'm destined for a life of misery but I'm also fortunate enough to feel love so strongly, it is the most inexplicably glorious feeling I've ever experienced and nobody will ever take that from me.

Envy

    It's something we all must come to face at one point or another, again and again. That horrible deep, wrenching pit in your stomach. Or that burning and tingling in your jaw or arms. It is the single worst feeling you can have, and naturally the most common. You can't avoid it, I'm sure we've all tried. Tried to fight the fear that you may be losing something important to you. But the fear and rage causes us to build up all these notions in our heads, "if you leave me, I won't have anyone", "people only like me for my money", "you love her more than me." All they do is feed our fear. I don't deny I've been there. Just coming up with reason after reason that he doesn't want me. She's prettier, thinner, more ambitious, she works harder. I lay in bed and watch sad movies and cry while shoveling ice cream into my face while she is out doing something, anything. Not this. I just cultivate this sickening emotion. I've tried so hard to overcome this. I kept playing worst case scenarios in my head so that if they ever happened I'd be prepared. And now I am ready, but it still hurts so much. I can't kill the fear because I still don't want to lose you. I'm sure you know how I feel, but I've never actually spoken the words. But I need to, I need to stop weighing myself down with this. I've found that being straightforward will completely relieve my worries but I can't. I know that my fears are unwarranted and that's why it's so hard to just say it. Just say "I love you, I'm scared I'm losing you, I don't want that. Just tell me things, don't hide them. I want to know things. I hate being in the dark, it's terrifying." I know that this will alleviate any false notions I had but I refuse to say it. Every time without fail. I just let it gnaw at me until there is nothing left. Nothing.

Do Not Enter

Should I just go for it? I mean shit, I hardly moved out of my mother's house but here I am stuck at another dead end. I mean it's a pleasant dead end with a nice relationship and good friends but I want to live. That's fair isn't it? Haha, I suppose not. Nobody seems to agree with me. Call me old fashioned but I think you shouldn't be dating at my age because, correct me if I'm wrong, but marriage is the end all. I don't want to commit my entire self to one person, right now, and I'm not sure if I ever will.  So why is it I can't even speak to another male without my boyfriend (whoever he is at the time) getting jealous? My grandmother had tons of boyfriends when she was my age, not to say she was a ho, all the girls way back then had a few boyfriends. It wasn't exclusive until you were engaged and married or got their stupid little Letterman jacket or some crap like that. Am I just crazy? Am I wrong to think that that is a perfectly fair way to go about dating if at all? Don't get me wrong, I'm an amazing girlfriend, that is something I do not deny. However, I'm not quite ready to be someone's awesome wife, I'm ready to live a little, go to school some damn day, and have a little fucking fun.  
   So here I am, mixing drinks and singing Disney Karaoke, maybe not the wildest thing to do but I love it and I love these people. But far too often I get stuck in unbalanced relationships, as I am now. I hate pointless relationships, like "oh hey let me the best friend or girlfriend or whatever you've ever had and you can give me nothing." Because I do try so hard for the people I care for and for the most I part I don't hide how hard I'm trying. It's amazing for someone to spend all their resources on somebody and get nothing in return, selfish isn't it? I don't care, who's not selfish anymore? I find the longer I live the more self-centered I become. I used to think that I was selfless. Just in the way that I wanted so bad to make others happy and find their approval in my doing so, that in itself was selfish and manipulative. Now I've decided if I'm going to be selfish I'm going to do it for myself. I can't help the little ache in me that wants to make everyone happy, it will always be there and I will always secretly tend to it. But I'm done spending all my time, love and resources on dead ends. And as I type this I laugh a bit thinking "God Katrice, you are stuck at an impasse", everywhere I turn I see someone else that I'm failing. My mother, I've been avoiding her calls because every time we talk I feel bad about myself. My sister, who I love more than anyone on this planet, she's just busy. My ex, who loves me more than anything else in his life, but it struggling so hard with losing me. Brenna, she is what makes me whole, but I've lost her again. I guess this is what self destruction looks like huh? Well, it's too late to turn back now, I can't right my wrongs. This quandary is about to crumble. I'll watch it, and as it collapses to ruins I will ascend from the depths of my carnage unscathed, for I have wrought this massacre and I will bathe in it.

In the Spirit of Thanksgiving

I have decided to share a few nice recipes with you guys for the holidays. First I will start with dessert =)

To make the most flaky and wonderful pie crust, you will need:

2 1/2 C Flour
1 C (or two sticks) of butter, cut into 1 or 2 inch peices
1 teaspoon of salt
1 teaspoon of sugar
And a lot more than 6 to 8 Tablespoons of ice cold water

So I'm not sure why but every recipe I've ever read calls for 6-8 T of water.... I use wayyy more! And my crust is delicious. I think it's a conspiracy to throw everyone off.

So anyway, this recipe is very easy- Begin by sifting the flour, salt and sugar into a rather large bowl and add the butter, use a pastry cutter to mix it.

                                                   And that over there>>>>
is a pastry cutter, if you don't have one feel free to use a fork.

Once you are done cutting in the butter it shoud resemble coarse crumbs. Finally add the water, a Tablespoon at a time using a fork to mix the ingredients together. Seperate into two balls of cough, cover and put in the refrigerator. If you don't have all overnight to let your dough rest you can use it after about an hour in the fridge. 

Helpful tips to get the most flaky wonderful pie crust:

• If you are doing a sweet pie you can add up to a Tablespoon of sugar
• If you are doing a pie with a top crust DO NOT double this recipe
• If you want a crispy delicious top crust use an egg wash over it before baking and sprinkle some coarse sugar, I use 1 or 2 egg whites with equal part milk
• DO NOT use the palms of your hands when touching the dough, only use your fingertips if possible, the yellow spots in your dough are butter which is what makes the dough rise and get flaky and if you melt them your crust will suck\
• If your dough gets too gooey it ok! Just add more flour, same goes for too dry

Count me as in Awe and Disgust....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRFrNZ_Br94-----Go to link before reading

This little boy is a rapper. Not the big "gangsta" type rapper you are probably thinking about. And he isn't some laughing stock like the goofy kid with glasses who lip syncs Ke$ha, he is amazing. And how old is he? I'm not sure maybe 8. I hope he is at least 8. To have that much talent. I mean I thought at 19 I could write well but there are stories written by 9 year olds more moving than anything I could ever fathom typing. As amazing and awe inspiring as this may be, it disgusts me. Even as he does his little dance moves popping his (quite trendy) blue plaid button up, I realize I could never look as cool as that kid. At my age I can't even dance in a way that is somewhat recognizable to other homosapiens. And look another example of my self worth compared to those children. Blogger does not seem to know the word homosapien, so I googled it. I was right but that isn't the point, I guess I am just curious what the hell you are feeding your kids. Because I don't think I ever got any of it.